[Note: After my previous article about how my faith ultimately cured my post-cancer mental health issues for my company’s internal website, I engaged in an extended Q&A about this, which I’m publishing here.]
The blog cover image is of the spires of the Russian Orthodox Church in Nice, France, which we visited recently on our trip to France in April 2023. No connection to the story, just a fascinating place we’ve visited, especially considering that I am part Russian ethnically.
Q: What type of cancer did you survive?
A: I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Testicular Cancer. Little did I know, it’s the most common form of cancer in men ages 15-35, yet there's still very little public awareness about this type of cancer.
Q: At what age were you diagnosed with the cancer? How was it discovered?
A: I was diagnosed in 2011 at the age of 33. I had a strange pain in my right groinal area for a few months, but thought one of my children had run into me, or that I had pulled a muscle somehow. The pain never went away and kept getting worse and worse, until one night it became so bad that I couldn’t even sleep. I finally did a thorough testicular self-exam, and discovered a solid mass at the upper rear of my right testicle. My heart literally skipped a beat. I'll never forget that moment.
Q: How was the cancer treated?
A: My cancer was treated first with an orchiectomy (testicle removal), and then with a combination of four rounds of “EPx4” chemotherapy over 12 weeks total, followed by a highly invasive surgery called an RPLND. From diagnosis to being discharged from my final surgery, was 5 months in total.
Q: How did this season in your life impact you (your outlook, job/school, relationships, physically, etc.)?
A: Testicular cancer is an aggressive, but fortunately highly curable form of cancer. The flip side is that the treatments for it are also quite aggressive, and can really leave a mark on you. The chemotherapy made me feel like my body was getting ready to pack up and die, and there was a complication during my RPLND surgery in which I nearly did die, all of which fueled downstream mental health issues. I had recurring nightmares about all of this for years, and struggled with anxiety, depression, and PTSD, including a few suicidal episodes where it had all just become too much.
Everything changes after cancer. There’s never a good time to get cancer, but especially as a young adult and with young children at home, it can be especially traumatic. We have our whole lives in front of us and young children depending on us, when suddenly we feel as though we’re at death’s door. Cancer really puts into perspective just how fragile life is and what matters and what doesn’t, but is a terrible thing to have hanging over your head at such a young age. You truly have to evolve at all levels to beat cancer not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.
Q: Besides your faith, what other help did you receive? For example, did/do you see a therapist? Have you changed your exercise or eating habits? Did/are you taking medicine?
A: It's a long story, but I realized early on that my mental health challenges were more spiritual in nature and thus needed to be resolved spiritually, and that anxiety and/or antidepressant drugs just weren't the correct path for me. I sought out cancer therapists which I knew can be amazing after the fact, but a 4-6 week wait for an initial visit at a time when I needed urgent help wasn't going to work, either.
The cancer community and especially the close-knit young adult cancer communities online quickly became a huge source of support for me. No one fights alone, and there I found plenty of others in similarly distressed states. It was easy to find mentorship, guidance, and inspiration from those that were further along in their cancer survivorship journeys.
Writing and running became my main outlets, all inspired by other cancer survivors. Writing, initially in the form of private journaling, helped me start to unravel what I was feeling and why. This really took off once I made my writing public, as there were virtually zero young adult male cancer survivors writing about the challenges of cancer survivorship at the time, and it was a perspective that people really needed to hear. Many thousands of people across the world have benefited from my writing, which was cross-posted and shared at Livestrong, IHadCancer, StupidCancer, the Cancer Knowledge Network, CURE Magazine, The Mighty, and more.
Running was also fantastic, and not only helped rehabilitate my body physically, but helped me manage my PTSD and get it under initial control as well. There's something very primal and satisfying about running outside, not in a gym and not on a treadmill, with wind on your face and scenery passing you by, when you're in such a distressed state. It gave all of this free-wheeling inner anxiety a place to go, and it also helped get my post-cancer chronic pain issues under control as well. I'll never win any awards for my running like I have for writing, but running was a win-win for both mind and body.
Q: Why did you turn away from religion as an adult?
A: Without getting into the specific church or denomination, I'll just say that I was never able to form a solid connection to God at the church of my youth, and that there's no shortage of adults of all ages that have had similar experiences. The lead pastor at my current church once answered in a Q&A session of the type of church I attended as a youth, that any connection to God formed was more likely to be in spite of that type of church rather than because of it, which was quite unfortunate for myself and many others, and a huge missed opportunity.
As a young adult, I also had far too much faith in the world and man's abilities. I was never an atheist but rather agnostic, and just didn't think I needed God or religion in my life. The decades that have passed, the challenges I've faced, and what I’ve seen of the world have completely humbled me, and I now see just how naïve and foolish I had been in so many ways.
Q: What other life occurrences besides cancer helped bring you back to God?
A: When I finally sat down to meditate on this early one morning and came up with the answers, I closed my office door at home even though it was just me and the dogs that day, grabbed a large box of tissues, and wept the entire rest of the morning. It was a good exercise and cathartic in a way to release a bit of pain that had been kept locked away for so long, but also quite the trip down memory lane.
It was so many things over such a long time, but was ultimately the completely unchecked and unmasked evil running rampant through the world starting in 2020 that brought me back to God. The illusion finally broke for me as to the true nature of this world that we live in. The Lord gave me eyes to see, and I cannot unsee what I’ve been shown. There should be no question about who and what is really running this world, and it brought me straight back to Christ.
But complete spiritual demoralization had already occurred even prior to this. The 2010’s had been quite turbulent for my family and I, with a seemingly endless string of toxic and self-destructive people wreaking havoc in all areas of our lives prior to and still long after my cancer fight, often leaving only ourselves to clean up the messes and to deal with the consequences. It all became completely exhausting and intolerable to the point of becoming a bit of a recluse in the latter years of the decade, and then the events of 2020 and beyond started unfolding. I just wanted to be left alone, but that’s not how the world works, and I ultimately tired of feeling so alone in this world spiritually.
Whilst in prayer and a deep state of despair one day in 2021, I felt a warm breathe and whisper from God on my shoulder, and He led me to my current church where I’ve found the connection to God, hope, guidance, fellowship, and so much more that I’ve long needed.
Q: What state/region is your church located?
A: I attend Frederick Christian Fellowship (FCF) Church in Frederick, MD. It's a non-denominational Christ-centered, Bible-believing church. You can read more about the church itself here, and my personal story of returning to church after 25 years here. It’s a truly amazing church that transformed me the very first time I attended services. The lead pastor gave a nearly hour long sermon that day that explained nearly everything I had been in such a deep state of distress about above, as though the message was for me personally. My only explanation is that God wanted me in that church, on that day, and to hear that message for a reason. If I had a church anything like this during my younger years, I never would have turned away from God and the church.
Q: At what age were you baptized as an adult?
A: I was baptized for the second time in my life last year at 44 years old. I was originally baptized as an infant, but baptisms are meant to be an outer expression of an inner transformation towards God, and a conscious choice one makes. This isn't something you can develop as an infant, and so infant baptisms aren’t performed at my church. Second adult baptisms such as my own are actually quite common!
Photo by Pat Kauffman
Q: What type of changes have you made in your life since you regained your faith?
A: By the grace of God, I continue to be transformed by my faith for the better. I pray daily, keep reading and studying the Bible often, attend church groups and social functions when possible, and don't allow myself to keep worrying about too many things to list, including cancer. There's no question I've had that hasn't been answered in the Bible, and I've learned to put all of my faith and trust in the Lord and in His eternal plan. As my faith grows, the last of my mental health challenges fades away, instead replaced with great hope and confidence for our eternal future in Christ!
"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ‒ Isaiah 41:10
