I was raised in the Catholic church, but quickly fell away from the church after leaving home for college in 1996, and have never attended church as an adult. Despite having been baptized and confirmed and doing all of the things a good young Catholic boy ought to have done (except becoming an altar boy, which I refused), I never established a firm connection with either God or the church during my childhood, but have still largely lived a very moral and Christian life.
This is the story of my return to Faith, the Church, and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Blackpilled
I think we all reach a point in our lives when all of our accumulated traumas, tragedies, disasters, failures, disappointments, betrayals, and back-stabbings all seemingly reach a critical mass that serves to completely demoralize and black pill us. Being in your 40’s is certainly more than enough time for that. I had someone threatening to kill my entire family, kids included, for the better part of a decade. My own body betrayed me in the worst possible way and tried to kill itself, when I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer eleven years ago at only 33 years old. There were times I wanted to do it myself in the midst of PTSD and other mental health issues that developed after my brutal fight against cancer, thinking it might just be easier that way. Terrible tragedies have struck elsewhere in our families that have been unfathomable. Numerous people that I had cared about and thought were friends attempted to sabotage me both personally and professionally. I even had years of non-profit work that was benefiting thousands of fellow cancer fighters and survivors nonsensically destroyed, all done out of the goodness of my heart, for no reason whatsoever other than spite or jealousy, or who knows what. The end result of going above and beyond for the people that my wife and I have loved and cared about in this world has always been the same – daggers in our backs and spit in our faces. The world has truly been a thankless place, and it’s all taken a terrible toll on us spiritually.
I had come of age and went through most all of my 20’s as a perpetual optimist and upbeat person. There hadn’t been a single depressive ‘bone’ in my body, but truthfully I’d been on the start of a slow spiritual slide to oblivion for years throughout most of my 30’s, long before covid ever happened and the world collectively went insane. Cancer rocked my world, but it became just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, or more accurately just one of many icebergs that found their way into our lives. The sum of all that my family and I have been through over the past 10-15 years has been completely exhausting mentally, physically, and spiritually, to the point that I exited 2019 in my early-40’s at a spiritual zero, completely deflated and demoralized, and just had nothing left to give the world anymore. I wanted nothing more than a relatively peaceful, quiet, and uneventful 2020 and entire next decade, and I need not elaborate to anyone reading this blog on anything that’s happened since then. What we’ve all been witness to thus far in the 2020’s has been absolutely astonishing, incomprehensible, and downright evil and demonic in so many ways, and on top of so much personal pain from the past. But all that’s been happening in the world hasn’t even been the worst.
Fighting cancer in 2011, not the first and not the last of many terrifying turns in our lives. Very recently, I worried this is what my life would become again, possibly without a positive outcome.
My final “black pilling” came in October of 2021 when I was having the most serious second cancer scare that I’d ever had in all of my years as a cancer survivor. Unlike so many previous recurrence or second cancer scares that are mostly just head games, this time there was a real physical mass that I felt that was incredibly disconcerting, and actually had to book a scan for the first time in many years to get it checked out. I wondered if this was it for me finally, as I was on hold for 3 weeks to get it checked out.
The sheer insanity of the rest of the world tends to fade away when you’re worried if you’ll even be around in another month or not. And that’s when those old demons found their way back into my head, and I once again wondered if it would be easier to just end it all myself.
The Warm Hand of God and the Whisper In My Ear
And so there I sat in my basement alone late one night in November of 2021 after everyone else in the house had gone to bed, just allowing myself some private time to grieve ever so slightly a tiny fraction of all of the pain I had been keeping locked inside for so long. Tears began falling for my country, for all that humanity has had to face, and for all of the previously unthinkable levels of evil and wickedness that we’ve been witness to, while wondering how it could even be so? Tears fell for my children, horrified as a parent of the world they’re soon going to inherit, and wondering what I had done to fail them? And more tears fell as a cancer survivor, once again fearing for my life as my upcoming scan loomed, terrified that I wouldn’t even be around any more to help guide them.
My worst fears as a cancer fighter and survivor have never really been about death or dying, but rather leaving my children alone in this world without their father to help guide them and protect them. Children need their fathers, and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
I did something I had never done before, and cried aloud to Jesus to save me from all that had been tormenting me inside, and that’s when it happened. I was alone in my cold basement, but all of a sudden felt warmth on my right shoulder as if a hand was reaching down to touch me, and a whisper in my ear that said, “it will be okay.” I was completely startled by this, and in that instant every last bit of my anxiety left me, replaced with an incredible sense of peace and calm. It was surreal and entirely external. In years past of fighting anxiety attacks, depression, and PTSD episodes mostly from my cancer aftermath that could last hours or even days, not once did I ever have anything stop inner pain dead in its tracks like this. I’m not even going to pretend to know whether what I experienced in that moment was truly the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit reaching into my mind, or an angel. All I know is that I cried aloud to Jesus for help, and actually heard and felt an answer.
In that moment there was complete peace in my soul, because I knew I wasn’t alone. I’ll never forget this moment, and that’s when I knew I had to get back to church.
It All Started With The Bible
Truth be told, I had been feeling closer and more connected to God than I ever had in my life throughout 2021 thanks to a friend that had gifted me a beautiful set of Bibles to read, after we had been talking about all that had been going on in the world. My friend served as yet another strong witness to Christ for me. I admired his confidence in God and in his beliefs, and knew this was what I needed. I felt the desire to truly learn the word for the first time in my life with all of my heart and soul. Never has it been more clear to me that evil doesn’t just exist in the world, it rules it. If Satan exists, then God absolutely exists also, and I needed to learn and know His word.
I never considered myself an atheist, but rather agnostic throughout much of my adult life, but now felt called to God. The Bible set my friend gifted me were absolutely gorgeous and just served as further encouragement to read the word, and did. I soon purchased an entire stack of Bibles for multiple rooms in my house, one for my truck, one for my office, and even a John MacArthur study Bible, because you quickly learn that the Bible isn’t something you could ever come close to fully comprehending on your own, and especially not as a beginner and first time reader of the Bible.
My Bible collection grew rather quickly. This isn’t all of them.
I had been given a Bible to read in Catholic Sunday school as a child, but where do you even begin? I was probably barely 10, but just didn’t have the guidance needed to even know. Perhaps I wasn’t ready for it all back then, but I was now, after all that life had put my family and I through.
What I’ve read in the Bible has been astonishing. The books of John in the New Testament in particular blew my mind. Those and so many of the books of Paul and even many Old Testament books all felt like they could have been written about today despite being thousands of years old. The Bible is truly timeless. I’ve learned so much about the history of humanity, how God works, the cycles that humanity goes through, the true nature of the world that we live in, and so much more. I know what the resurrection of Christ truly means, and that the end has already been written. I don’t feel like a single minute spent reading the Bible has ever been wasted. Everything that I’ve ever worried about or struggled with has all been answered in the Bible, and so much more that I couldn’t possibly have thought of on my own. It’s truly the greatest story ever told, the greatest history book ever written, and a wealth of knowledge for all time. The Bible is our owner’s manual for life, a blessing from our creator Himself.
Going To Church For The First Time in 25 Years
Sunday, November 14th, 2021 was the day, my first time going to church in 25 years.
I had been invited by two different friends to FCF Church (Frederick Christian Fellowship) in Frederick, MD during dark times in years past, but had always politely declined. “Religion wasn’t what I needed,” and I didn’t think the church could possibly have anything to offer me. Despite it being a 35 minute drive away with many dozens of closer churches, I felt called to this church somehow. I knew nothing of what the church was, didn’t know who its Pastors were, what denomination it was, had barely even seen its website, hadn’t watched a single livestream, and didn’t know it had a YouTube channel either. FCF Church was a complete blank slate to me, but somehow I knew I had to be there, and that this was the day.
Spiritual Defibrillation
Services at FCF Church are held in a large auditorium in the main building that seats around a thousand. A full band led by Associate Pastor Pete Gillott opened the service with a song called “The Church Is Alive” by River Valley Worship, and it most certainly felt alive. I had never heard such amazing Christian worship music in my entire life, and had no clue that such music even existed, none whatsoever! It was amazing and I loved it, and the atmosphere felt electric. I had never felt so much positive and uplifting energy, and I could feel it flowing right through my soul, and had tears welling up in my eyes as the band played several more songs. It was just beautiful, and unlike anything I had ever seen, felt, and heard. Imagine being at rock bottom spiritually and feeling completely dejected, but in an instant being cranked up to 11. That’s what it felt like, literally a spiritual defibrillation and being brought back to life.
Pastor Pete himself will joke that he’s not much of a singer (could have fooled me!) but that he can sing to lead a congregation. His wife, Jess, however, is truly gifted with an absolutely astonishing voice. The FCF band often sings music from Elevation Worship, Bethel Music, Hillsong Worship, James River, Phil Wickham, and more. My jaw hits the floor at every service that I attend just from the musical talent alone from Pastor Pete, his wife Jess, and the entire FCF band. When you have that much talent and energy on display, it can jolt one awake spiritually in a way that more traditional and softly sung worship hymns never could.
Pastor Pete describes the FCF music as “authentic love that’s freely expressed,” but for myself it’s even better and far more powerful than that. I know different people need different things, and have different expectations about what a church is and should be, but I need that energy. Everything is very tasteful, and not overdone or ‘rock concerty’ at all.
FCF Church had me at hello and in tears just from the opening music alone, and we hadn’t even gotten to the sermon yet.
The Sermon That Changed My Life
I don’t know how to explain how it is that I went to church for the first time in 25 years in such a deep state of distress about life and the world and everything that we’ve been facing, and wondering how such evil and wickedness could possibly even be allowed to the point that I’d had suicidal thoughts, and have that be the exact topic of the sermon.
I don’t think it’s possible for me to overstate how powerful FCF’s founder and lead Pastor Randy Goldenberg’s sermon was for me that day. This was the second of Pastor Randy’s sermons on “Earthquake Shakings” titled “What Are God’s Methods,” in which he discusses life changing events that we might face, while pulling various parts of scripture together that reference earthquakes.
The sermon centered around the Old Testament story of the prophet Elijah fleeing from Jezebel, and running hundreds of miles into the wilderness in 1 Kings 18-19. I had actually just read this passage and thought it interesting, but couldn’t bring it to life to truly comprehend it like Pastor Randy was about to. In the passage, Elijah had just killed all 450 of the Baal worshippers after a fiery display from the Lord. Thinking that such a display would turn Jezebel back to the Lord, instead she was more emboldened than ever in worshipping Baal, and vowed to kill Elijah the very next day. Fearing for his life, Elijah fled hundreds of miles into the wilderness.
The two key verses of the sermon were the following.
1 Kings 19:4
[4] But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” (ESV)1 Kings 19:11–12
[11] And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. [12] And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. (ESV)
What 1 Kings 19:4 illustrates is that even the prophet Elijah, with all of the power and influence that he was given, became so discouraged and depressed that he ran hundreds of miles in fear and wished for his life to end. Pastor Randy was very delicate in approaching the topic of someone being suicidal, and was aware that there could be someone in the congregation that had recently been in such a state. As it turns out that caution was well justified, as someone approached Randy after the first service which I attended, who apparently shared something private with Randy to that effect. Randy alluded to this in the second service, but there were more that day. I too had been in that state once again, even if just briefly.
The core point of the sermon was that God is not about massive displays of power. Many Christians and non-Christians alike all wonder why if God is all knowing and powerful, then how could He possibly allow such evil and wickedness in our world and just put a stop to it? As Randy explained, God knows that the human heart cannot be penetrated through fear, force, and bribery. God is trying to get Elijah to understand what God’s methods are to pull him out of this suicidal depression. God is about reaching into human hearts that can be reached, and not about forcing people to conform.
God was not in the wind that was so powerful that it was ripping mountains apart. He was not in the earthquake that was tearing the earth. Nor was he in the fire. He was the whisper in Elijah’s ear, teaching Elijah and all of us that God is often in the background working quietly, even when it’s not understood.
As Randy continued, he explained that this is an evil time that we live in, which started in heaven in eternity past, when Lucifer descended out of heaven and took a third of the angels in heaven with him. Evil was present in the garden of Eden when Eve was deceived. It was present when Jesus was nailed to a cross and killed. Paul served the Lord faithfully for 32 years, and was imprisoned, beaten, tortured, even shipwrecked, and eventually beheaded. Pastor Randy asked, is that not evil? And evil is just as present today, as it has always been, that so many of us see and are distressed by.
Randy explained repeatedly that evil is being allowed for a little while, until it’s abolished forever when Jesus returns in Revelation, and the new heaven and new earth are created free of evil. His methodology is not to intervene now and stop evil.
Acts 17:31
[31] because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead.” (ESV)
There’s a fixed day in which the Lord will return and judge this world. As Randy continued, when that day comes, evil will be destroyed for a thousand years in Revelation 20. Evil will then be allowed again briefly, before being destroyed forever in the new heaven and new earth in Revelation 21 and 22. As Randy put it, God is building skyscrapers and not sand castles, and that takes a little longer. God is building his eternal family, and wants those that will seek Him and stay close to Him, so close that He can whisper to us.
“Godpilled” And Reborn
FCF Church founder and lead Pastor, Randy Goldenberg
As Pastor Randy concluded and went to prayer, I was awestruck at how everything made complete sense, and in that moment I felt the peace in my soul that I had longed to feel for so long in the midst of this fallen world that we’ve found ourselves in.
I highly encourage you to listen to the full sermon linked above, as my brief summation here cannot possibly replace the full extent of Randy’s incredible hour long message.
Randy stated in the second service of the day that he felt like something was happening that day, and that he’d felt it in both services. Perhaps I was a part of that energy, and that it was God’s “whisper” to me that brought me into church that day for the first time. God clearly meant for me to hear this sermon, by this Pastor, in this church, and on that day, because it completely transformed me. The whole experience from start to finish spoke directly to what was in my soul. There’s no other possible explanation to me than the hand of God at work. Surely I was reborn on that day, and exited church for the first time in 25 years a changed man and a born again believer in Christ.
I didn’t think that Jesus was the answer or that His word had anything to offer me, when everything that I’ve ever wondered about or struggled with is explained in the Bible and His word. I didn’t think the church had anything to offer me, when in fact its offered me the connection to God and His followers that are my brothers and family that I’ve always needed, but have been without for all of my adult life. I didn’t think it was possible for a Pastor to interpret the word and pull so many parts of scripture together and bring them to life in such a relatable way, and completely relevant to the times, to help us all pull through this evil age of spiritual warfare that we’ve found ourselves in. Pastor Randy has had me in tears multiple times through his sermons in the short time that I’ve been attending FCF Church now, as though he knew every bit of my pain and so much of what I’d been feeling personally, while also teaching us how to patiently endure and overcome it all, while still living a Godly life.
The short and monotonous 15 minutes sermons in the Catholic church that I attended as a child never worked for me. Pastor Randy’s sermons are almost always over 50 minutes, and many are unforgettable with the way he brings so much Godly wisdom to life from the word, and the knack he has for approaching and talking about extremely difficult topics. Pastor Randy is truly blessed by God to bring the word alive into our hearts and souls like he can, and I always feel like I could keep listening all day.
I had never even heard of Pastor Randy before that day, but the man has my number. I didn’t think that was possible for anybody, let alone a priest that I hadn’t known previously. His sermon that day was exactly what I needed to hear, and exactly when I needed to hear it. It rescued me from something awful, and surely I was transformed and reborn on that day.
It’s Never Too Late To Find God and the Church
Photo Credit: Pete Gillott / Kaché Woods, FCF Church at the FCF Men’s Breakfast, Saturday February 26th. You can find me center left kneeling in the front row.
Whether you’re a current or former “lost sheep” Christian like myself or even a non-Christian, it’s never too late to find God and to return to the church after many years, or even for the first time. Never for a moment should you doubt how big and profound a difference the right church, the right congregation, the right Pastor, and complete trust and faith in our Lord and savior Jesus Christ can make in your life. I’m living proof of that right now as a changed man, and now in the midst of the greatest of transformation in my lifetime.
If you’re feeling lost or hopeless in this fallen world as I had been, I could not encourage you more strongly to seek God and the church. Yes, there are unfortunately bad and woke “churches of the world” out there that you’ll want to avoid, that have been subverted and don’t actually preach the word of God. I can assure you, FCF Church is absolutely not such a church. We’re blessed that Pastor Randy has the courage to speak the hard Biblical truths, and to speak out forcefully against the contentious issues of our time. You might have to church shop a bit, or possibly even drive out of your area as I do. Ask around and ask friends that you trust, but don’t give up hope. It’s worth the effort to find a good church not just to receive the word and the spiritual backing and empowerment that we all need in this demonic world that we live in, but to find and build fellowship with other like minded and God fearing Christians.
If you don’t even know where to begin, by all means tune into FCF Church’s livestreams to get started which have very high production quality, or attend if you’re in the area. But half the purpose of the church is to build Christian fellowship, and so I highly encourage you to find an excellent local church.
If you’re within an hour of Frederick, MD (it’s worth it), click the button below to get in touch.
I felt absolutely hopeless in finding a good church living where I do, in the next county south and a bit too close to the swamp. I’ve felt so alienated for years in my area, like a sojourner living in a strange land, but as it turns out I didn’t have to look for a church at all. God led me straight to where I needed to be at FCF Church, and I feel very blessed and fortunate to have found exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it, and the hand of God that I felt working quietly throughout, exactly like the whispering described in Randy’s sermon.
Correcting My Biggest Mistake In Life
Pastor Randy shared this verse in the closing of his sermon that day, which also spoke volumes to me.
Isaiah 48:17–18
[17] Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you in the way you should go. [18] Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea; (ESV)
God knows what’s best for all of us. He is the light and the way and has a plan for all, and that couldn’t be more clear to me now. I deeply regret ever leaving the church, and having been away for 25 years. It was a terrible mistake, and now one of my few regrets in life. There’s so much I’ve missed, and so many things in life that would have been so much easier to bear had I never left, or sought Jesus and the church so much sooner.
But it’s never too late to put your faith in Christ. This was the day I put my full faith in Christ, and that He won my trust. The more I learn to lean on God and the word, the more my worries of the world dissipate, just as had been shown to me so many times in the past. All of my anxiety and depression has been fading because now I know the end of this story, and that He has already won.
It’s my hope that hearing my testimony might help others find their own faith and trust in Christ as well, and the inner peace it will bring.
You can be saved too.
And after all that, my cancer scan turned out fine, just like I was told it would be. What I’d felt was a lymphocele that had formed, which is actually very easily explained given my complicated medical history, and not a cause for concern. Praise God!
The full livestream from the November 14th 2nd service at FCF Church. I attended the first, but Pastor Randy had some interesting additional comments in this one.
Special Thanks
I wanted to take a moment to thank all of my friends that led me back to Christ.
To Gab.com Founder and CEO, Andrew Torba for your bold and unapologetically Christian leadership, which planted the seed when I joined the Gab platform back in 2018. Weak men create hard times. Torba is tip of the spear among the new generation of strong Christian men that will help lead us back to good times. And can you name another tech CEO that reposts and offers words of encouragement to people like myself going back to church for the first time? Thank you.
To my friend Neil Sederburg, for our campsite fireside chats throughout 2021, for being such a strong witness to Christ for me, and for the beautiful set of Bibles he gifted me which further inspired me to read the word. I could not have asked for a better friend or a more beautiful gift in such a dark time. I will never forget this gesture and will cherish these gifts forever.
To my friend Steve Barr, fellow engineer and photographer friend, for our friendship and the church invites over the years, and for always thinking of me.
To my friend Claudia Ritchey, someone who recognized who and what I was and what I needed long before I did, and that I would have trusted my life to. If only I had listened and found FCF Church nearly 10 years earlier when you had invited me, so many things I had been facing in life would have been so much easier. God has a plan for everyone!
To Pastor Pete Gillott, for being so approachable and taking the time to speak with me about my return to church after so long, about FCF, and for your prayer that God might work through me on this project to help other lost souls and lost Christians such as myself find their way back to church and the Lord. It’s not possible for Pastors to know everyone in their churches, especially larger congregations like FCF, but I appreciate you getting to know me and making the effort. Mission Complete, but also just the beginning!
Lastly, to everyone who makes FCF Church happen, from founder and lead Pastor Randy Goldenberg, Pastor Kim Kesecker, Pastor Pete all of whose sermons are excellent. To Matt Hull who leads the men’s message group that I’ve been attending, and to so many others that run many other church groups, down to every volunteer, staff, the production team, and especially the FCF band, thank you. God is truly in this house, and I’ve felt so welcomed and loved here. It‘s a great blessing to finally be a part of a church, and to have a church family for the first time in my life. This is what I’ve always needed.